"Five-Second Rule" not okay with school officials

ALBANY, NY—In a surprise move, State University of New York (SUNY) officials summarily denounced the Five-Second Rule as inadequate, ineffective, and blatantly negligent in a college environment.

The “Five-Second Rule” refers to the practice of picking up food dropped on the floor or ground within five seconds, thereby preserving the cleanliness of the food. Those in favor of the rule argue that bacteria and other harmful agents can not possibly stick to and/or contaminate food in such a short period of time, and most claim they have practiced this effectively since early childhood.

“Okay, let's try this again,” said SUNY Director of Culinary Arts, Jeremy Hood, to a group of stunned students. “I don't give a rat's behind what you do outside of school, but you cannot, after dropping a piece of food on the floor in your school’s kitchen, simply pick it up and resume the process of serving said piece of food.

“Just can't do it.”

“Not even if we pick it up within five seconds?” asked Shirley Jackson, a student in the culinary program.

“Not even if it hits the floor for a nanosecond and immediately bounces right back into your hand,” said Hood, shaking his head.

“Not even if we blow on it?” asked SUNY kitchen supervisor John Herald. “Sometimes I just blow on it and that seems to work.”

“No. No, blowing on it won't save you...not even if you put it in front of a fan.”

“Whoa, that's harsh. What if we shake the food real good...like this...and then wipe it on our pants?” asked Mark Spittelo, one of the program’s instructors. “That’s what I do. If no one is looking, I wipe it real good on my pants.”

“What the—” started Hood. “People, listen up. For the last time, you can not—”

“What if the students we are serving are acting all crappy,” said Jackson, “and you...you know, sorta accidentally throw their food?”

“Or they're teachers, and the students already know they're gonna get a bad grade,” piped in Herald.

“I'll fart on their food,” said Jackson.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” asked Hood, packing up his briefcase.

In a related story, Terrell Cartwright, who is also part of the SUNY Culinary Arts program, will conduct a lecture regarding recent breakthroughs in first aid. The lecture, which will take place in February at the campus in Rochester, NY, is called, “Insult to Injury: Should You Really Rub Some Dirt on It?”