Answering E-mails....

Sorry about taking so much time away from posting. We've been overwhelmed with homework (Jenn's Medical Terminology class takes up most of her time) and daily obligations (getting drunk takes up the rest). Please know that we appreciate the words of support and encouragement from our readers.

We've received many e-mails on various topics, and we plan to answer as many as possible over the next several days. The most popular questions pertain to what classes we are taking and how we organize our schedules to balance work and play.

Dennis, who initially attempted college over 100 years ago, already had 27 credits and was in the enviable position of only having to take a few general classes -- such as Biology and English 132 -- before focusing on courses directly related to his major (Telecommunications). Currently, he has Media Performance, Media Writing, Film History & Criticism, and Intro to Telecommunications. Piece of cake, right?

Dennis has Media Performance this afternoon, and his assignment was to create an animated character, not human, and to use the voice for a 30-second spot that he got to write. Really fun. We may try to upload the spot to be heard on this blog...though we may need another computer class first to figure out how this is, in fact, accomplished. Ha.

On the other hand, Jenn was starting from scratch so, in addition to the previously mentioned Medical Terminology [yawn], she is stuck with Psychology, Software Applications, and English 131. Jenn won't actually be in the Nursing Program for quite some time.

As to how we balance our daily schedules...right now we really don't, so we'll think about that one for a bit and get back to you.

"Five-Second Rule" not okay with school officials

ALBANY, NY—In a surprise move, State University of New York (SUNY) officials summarily denounced the Five-Second Rule as inadequate, ineffective, and blatantly negligent in a college environment.

The “Five-Second Rule” refers to the practice of picking up food dropped on the floor or ground within five seconds, thereby preserving the cleanliness of the food. Those in favor of the rule argue that bacteria and other harmful agents can not possibly stick to and/or contaminate food in such a short period of time, and most claim they have practiced this effectively since early childhood.

“Okay, let's try this again,” said SUNY Director of Culinary Arts, Jeremy Hood, to a group of stunned students. “I don't give a rat's behind what you do outside of school, but you cannot, after dropping a piece of food on the floor in your school’s kitchen, simply pick it up and resume the process of serving said piece of food.

“Just can't do it.”

“Not even if we pick it up within five seconds?” asked Shirley Jackson, a student in the culinary program.

“Not even if it hits the floor for a nanosecond and immediately bounces right back into your hand,” said Hood, shaking his head.

“Not even if we blow on it?” asked SUNY kitchen supervisor John Herald. “Sometimes I just blow on it and that seems to work.”

“No. No, blowing on it won't save you...not even if you put it in front of a fan.”

“Whoa, that's harsh. What if we shake the food real good...like this...and then wipe it on our pants?” asked Mark Spittelo, one of the program’s instructors. “That’s what I do. If no one is looking, I wipe it real good on my pants.”

“What the—” started Hood. “People, listen up. For the last time, you can not—”

“What if the students we are serving are acting all crappy,” said Jackson, “and you...you know, sorta accidentally throw their food?”

“Or they're teachers, and the students already know they're gonna get a bad grade,” piped in Herald.

“I'll fart on their food,” said Jackson.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” asked Hood, packing up his briefcase.

In a related story, Terrell Cartwright, who is also part of the SUNY Culinary Arts program, will conduct a lecture regarding recent breakthroughs in first aid. The lecture, which will take place in February at the campus in Rochester, NY, is called, “Insult to Injury: Should You Really Rub Some Dirt on It?”

First week of school

Very interesting first week of school. We've been busy with classes and preparation, but will pass along all the juicy details tomorrow, our day off.

Stay tuned.

Jenn & Den

What could go wrong?

Today, the last day before school starts again, was shaping up to be rather anticlimactic. Maybe it’s because the process no longer seems foreign to us and we think we know what to expect. Or, possibly it’s because things are supposed to get easier after the first time. After all, our first semester was filled with so many unknowns and surprises that we believe our college would be hard-pressed to throw something at us we couldn’t handle.

More likely it’s because we are naïve — the accidentally-spilling-a-full-beer-but-pretending-it-doesn’t-matter kind of naïve — and were lulled in to a false sense of intelligence.

At about 10:30 this morning, Dennis received a phone call from the head of the Telecommunications department, who is also his professor for two upcoming classes. After apologizing repeatedly, she said she called to explain a conflict with a lecture scheduled for Tuesday nights. The instructor for that class apparently has plans for three hours on those evenings. Would Dennis be available on Monday nights instead?

Telecommunications Professor: I am really sorry about this. Do you have classes on Mondays in the evening?

Dennis: No, but the Red Wings play hockey on Mondays. No, no classes.

TP: Okay, I just needed to check. I’m calling all the students to see if this will be a problem.

Dennis: It’s a huge problem. Why don’t you see if the Wings can reschedule their games instead? No, not a problem with me.

TP: This isn’t for sure, now, but if we do change the class time, I’ll call you back tonight or tomorrow.

Dennis: Tomorrow? Tomorrow? You want to move the class to tomorrow so you’ll let me know by, possibly, tomorrow? That’s fine. Just let me know.

TP: We won’t just make a change without telling you.

Dennis: You really should...it'd be funny. Okay. Thanks for the call.

TP: I really am sorry.

Dennis: I'll remind you when it's time for my grade. No problem. Talk to you soon.

Before you say that Dennis is a spineless wuss who should’ve stood up for his already established schedule (or lied with a straight face), keep in mind that the Red Wings are the ONLY reason he would not wish to accommodate, and in the big picture, Red Wings games really don’t matter that much to school officials (sad, but true).

At the same time, other than his family — and when it comes down to it, really just his wife — there is no one Dennis would rather spend a quiet evening alone with than the Detroit Red Wings hockey team…wait, that came out wrong. Anyway, you get the point.

We are waiting by the phone. Stay tuned….

Jenn & Den ask random college students...

Do you ever crave beer?



“By ‘crave’ do you mean I want beer, but I’m completely out? Is it just beer that I’m out of, or am I dying of thirst and there’s nothing at all to drink? I mean, if it’s life and death, and there’s only Tang…. When you say ‘you’ do you mean me?”







“Do I ever crave beer? Are the Kennedys gun-shy? That’s like asking if I’m in the mood for more air. Or asking Paris Hilton if she’d mind a bit of attention. That’s like asking Michael Jackson…uh, never mind. Do I ever crave beer? Why, you got some?"







“Dat’s whack! When G-Dog’s in da house and der’s beer…I swagger and swipe the cargo. Ah…uh, sorry. I can’t seem to get that song by Warcloud out of my head. Catchy. Anyway, I’m Gregory, and actually, I prefer a soft Chardonnay. Bitches.”







“It depends. When I do have a taste for beer, I lean toward a Bells Oberon Ale for its spicy, fruity balance and 6% alcohol content. Oooooh…and before they went out of business, I used to love Bad Frog Frogenpschorr Wheat before making love. Mmmmmm.”

Funny thing happened on our way home from school

Though school doesn’t actually begin until Monday, we swung by the college bookstore yesterday to grab our books and a few supplies. Afterward, we went to the cafeteria (the menu is quite extensive and the food is actually pretty good) and waited in line behind a new student who Jenn dubbed Mr. (expletive) Inquisitive.

Student: How long does it take to prepare the Paella? I understand that takes a while…is that true? And is that spicy? I can’t eat spicy food. Oh, the Beef Barley soup looks good…is that good? Are the Stuffed Mushrooms filling? I mean is that enough for a meal—

Cafeteria Worker: Okay, kid, for the sake of the other people here who, unlike you, have a rough idea of what day it is, I’m really going to have to limit you to just 20 questions.

Student: Are you serious?

Cafeteria Worker: 19....

Behind that curious young gentleman—who quickly ran out of questions and skulked off toward the vending machines—were another new student and her mother. Mom apparently eats at the cafeteria quite often (?), and argued heatedly with the food server before eventually backing down.

Mom: I remember now. My daughter always has Peppercorn Cucumber dressing on her salad at home, not here.

Cafeteria Worker: Of course she does. And I just had your car towed.

Mom: What?

Cafeteria Worker: Er, I mean…great. I’m pretty sure we’re out of Poppy Seed Cannabis, anyway.

We should mention that Daughter did not say a single word throughout the entire three-minute exchange, and appeared as if she might quietly slink off to meet Mr. (expletive) Inquisitive for a Snickers bar.

The best part of the day, however, was actually on our way home when we passed a church in our neighborhood that is inexplicably for sale…by owner.

We don’t care who you are. That’s funny.

Student With Pierced Tongue Mistaken For Retarded

ANN ARBOR, MI -- When Karen Hall, a junior at the University of Michigan, got her tongue pierced last week, it swelled up to almost four times its normal size. During the course of the rest of the week, Hall’s speech was severely impaired and professors had a difficult time understanding her.

“Oh…how sweet. We got the retarded girl,” said Mrs. Bartuzzi, Hall’s Sociology professor, who reportedly did not recognize the shy student.

When Hall pointed at her open mouth in an attempt to clear up the misunderstanding, Bartuzzi said, “That’s so sad. Look at the poor thing. I think she’s hungry…who has food?

“Comon you guys,” she said. “I’m not blind. Someone always has food in here.”

According to reports, this routine was repeated in all of Hall’s classes, with the instructors imploring, “Slow down now, honey…it will be okay,” as an exasperated Hall desperately protested and continually mumbled, “Um mot weetahded.”

While the students filed out of the buildings at the end of the week, Hall was found in a secluded hallway, reviewing her recent test scores and smiling. “Ulkay, ah em weetahded.”

Ironically, Hall is headed to Wayne State University for graduate school, where she plans to follow a path in special education…as a teacher, not a student.